What's New At the Library?
libraries - most of it bad - culminating in the case
of one where piped muzak has been introduced
because 'libraries are not just about reading anymore.'
- ABA Newsletter, May 2009
[Censored] Library Chief Administrator Kevin Pine-Coffin looked at the screen, re-read his handiwork and sighed with a mixture of relief, pride and horror. "Who ever imagined it would come to this," he thought. "Can't sell books to raise money, can't layoff staff. Damned book bloggers." He put the final period to the end of the upcoming Calendar, then clicked Save before his blood congealed and he died of embarrassment. "Master of Library Science, Huckster, and Fund-Raising Wizard" he bemoaned. "They said 'it shouldn't be done' but what choice did I have? We need money, honey!"
of the [Censored] Library
We've turned the economic crisis into an economic opportunity here at the Library with all sorts of fun for the whole family!
June 3. 11AM-12Noon: Book Signing w/Jenna Jamison. The porn star will be signing copies of her new book, I Lost It at the Library. Photo-ops $10. Jenna's cherry-flavored lickable bookmarks will be available for sale.
June 8. 7:30PM-9PM: Books On Ice! Tonight our multi-talented staff debuts their new zero centigrade spectacular. The Main Reading Room will be cleared, a fast sheet of ice will be laid down, and you'll experience the magic of singing librarians skating their hearts out. Nancy and Irma will limn a dramatic reading of Edward Lear's nonsense verse while performing axels with a full twists and spins. Don't miss it! Tickets: $15.
June 12. 2PM-4PM: Immodest members of the local chapter of the Antiquarian Booksellers Association of America will be on hand to appraise your old books for a modest fee. You will be awed by arcane, pedantic narratives about your books. Proceeds to go to our Tiki Snack Bar Building Fund
June 14. 7PM-10PM: Bowling For Books! Our new 20-lane bowling alley is now open and our fund-raising tournament begins. The entry fee is only $20 and all money will be used to finish construction of our state-of-the-art movie multiplex which we anticipate will throw off a cool $500,000 in annual profit to be used for adding books to our collection or paying down our massive debt.
June 18. Novelist-poet turned celebrity chef Erica Jong will sign copies of her new book, Fear of Frying, and hawk sets from The Climax Collection, her line of non-stick, water-soluble cookware.
June 21. 7PM-9PM: Ultimate Fight Night! It's no-holds barred when staff member Jimmy "Call Me a Wimp and Die" Wilson takes on all comers in the Cage of Maximum Destruction located on the 2d floor adjacent to the Conservation and Preservation department. For only $10 you can take your chance to rip Jimmy from his binding, break his joints, and crack his spine. Disclaimer: Library not responsible for subsequent recasing of unsuccessful contestants.
June 22. Christening Ceremony for the new Saul and Minnie Moskowitz Men's Room and the Sal Hepatica Ladies Room. Cocktails served.* Proceeds from use fees will be budgeted strictly for acquisitions.
*Reminder: Every hour is Happy Hour at The Wishing Well, our fabulous new cocktail lounge located in the Children's Reading Room. Hoist a round of Seven Dwarves of Dynamite, a flight of seven special jiggers of fine single-malt scotches, while enjoying the antics of classic Disney characters at play. Photo ops available for $5.
June 26. Smoot-Hawley Wedding. Open event, all welcome. $35 per person tariff for all you can eat and read at the same time. Time: 5:30 sharp. Late fees will be assessed.
With all the recent talk about Library-Themed Weddings, why not take it to its logical conclusion, hold your ceremony and reception here, and make your nuptials a knockout?
Nancy, our Mistress of the Reference Desk, will assist you with all your planning needs. No matter what your budget - "I do. We're done. Let's go" to a Prince Charles and Diana-like extravaganza - she's sure to put the steak in the ceremony and the sizzle in the reception.
The Library is available for all special events including, but not limited to:
?? Sweet Sixteens
?? Bar Mitzvahs
?? Business conferences
?? Pajama Parties
?? Gang Rumbles
Announcement: We are helpless to report that the sweet, somnambulant, cascading strings of Mantovani can now be heard throughout the entire library and not just in the elevators. Going down!